5 Things I've learned this week - Jan 21-25
Happy Thursday, good lookin! I've had a week full of lessons, so I thought I'd just jump in and share. Let's do this:
1. Reverse psychology is not an effective strategy for dealing with an over-excited bladder. Who knew?! Not this preggo. Believe me - I tried. I began to get frustrated with my daily million or so trips to the loo, so I verbalized "I can't WAIT until I have to go again. Is it time yet? Now? Is it time now? Oh how I relish the frequent trips!" It sounds like it would be effective, right? Nope. If anything, it increased my need to go to the loo, so I'm going to have to scrap the strategy. Live and learn.
2. I am capable of taking an actual stance during a football game. To be clear, I'm talking about American football, and this was news to me. I'm from the south (okay, Florida. Whatever, it counts!) and football is a religion there. I went to college in the swamp, and I smiled and nodded through many a-football game, pretending to care about/understand the numerous, just exhaustive games. I mean, they're SO long. I remember going to watch the Florida Gators play in a bar when I was living in New York, and my reaction to the loss had someone say to me "you would understand if you WENT there," because clearly I didn't pout/throw beer bottles/key anyone's car afterwards, so I must not have been an alumnus. Anyways, cut to the other night, when I actually watched the Jaguars vs Patriots in their Super Bowl qualifying game. I really REALLY wanted Florida to win, but more importantly, I wanted the Patriots to lose. Open, venomous, loathing was coming out of my pores. Anyways, in case you missed it, the Jaguars shat the bed in the fourth quarter, so it's yet another Patriots Super Bowl. UGH. Anyways, I took an actual stance! Take that, "Random Sassy Girl in Bar" back in '07.
3. Our Amazon Echo is not the "other woman." Now, this one may sound obvious, but YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE, okay? I bought Alexa for my husband for Christmas, and that obedient Brit has been meeting his every need. I've felt discarded, wallowing in pregnancy hormones, while Alexa is all forecasting the weather, catching him up on the news, and turning our lights on and off like a SORCERER. She even tells jokes on command! I can't compete with that. I felt a confrontation brewing, but then Alexa did the dumbest effing thing. We were watching a show in which one character's name was "Alex," and she kept interrupting to be like "Sorry, I don't know that one," and "Searching now for submarine repairs in Dublin," like the silly old robot that she is. Crisis averted y'all; my marriage is intact.
4. If I shift my weight just slightly to the left, I can outsmart my Apple watch. Ok, I didn't intend to make this all tech-y, but this just happened as I'm writing, so I had to share. The Apple watch asks you to meet 3 goals/day - Move, Exercise and Stand at least once/hour. It also gives you fun reminders like "remember to breathe!" which makes me question HOW exactly their engineers are functioning on a daily basis. Anyways, I was at like 259 calories of my move goal, but I shifted to the left while sitting on the couch, and voila! Move goal met. I wonder how I can fool it into thinking I'm breathing?
5. And, finally, saying "I'm pregnant" is an appropriate substitution for doing any house work. At all. Go on, men, give it a whirl. It's worked wonders for me. I know I should be folding laundry and doing basically everything I did prior to harboring a fetus, with the exception of lifting hefty objects and inhaling harmful chemicals, but I found a workaround. I simply say "I'm pregnant," practice a few days of measured avoidance, and the housework just gets done. Magic, right?
Alright, that's it for now. See y'all next week!