How I've been passing the time....
Good morning, good lookin! I know I've been undependable with my blogging as of late, but I've discovered some other, more noble ways to spend my time. I can't apologize for my absence, for that would be an admission of guilt I simply will not indulge.
Here's how I've been spending my time in the past several weeks, which has left me with no time to blog:
1. Creating the perfect bitmoji - This has been a long, arduous road of self discovery. When I first started, I was convinced my hair was enormous and should be portrayed as such. I went with a darker shade of "bronde," wrongly assuming my friends and family would attribute the look to how I appear in person. It turns out, my hair, clothes, absence of freckles and larger than actual eyebrows were throwing everyone into a virtual tailspin. I spent hours crafting the perfect look, and I emerged victorious. Now, my friends and family can view an accurate cartoon depiction of me, I don't know, eating a giant croissant, and they don't have to be distracted by inaccurate hair or an absence of freckles. Blogging would have only distracted from this most altruistic of pursuits.
2. Mastering multi-tasking - This one was subtle, for the inconspicuous observer. I spent days nurturing my ability to sufficiently multi-task, while not compromising one task in the slightest. A couple of days ago, I watched an Instagram video of someone making Nutella cake while re-watching Rupaul's Drag Race season 6, and I didn't miss a beat. I followed the bitchy workroom chatter, the snappy puns from the judges, gave my own clever critiques to the talent and the runway fashion, and watched as the gooey Nutella spread over the pizza, on loop. I thought it was due to the fact that I'd already watched that season previously, but I successfully replicated the task when I later watched seasons 7-9 over the next several days. Again, I'm not trying to inspire, but if my actions have that effect on you, I can only take an overly-dramatized bow.
3. Improving my domestic game - I make no bones about my lack of a domestic bone. That's not an innuendo; I don't have a domestic bone in my body. Okay, still not an inneundo. Aaanyways, I rarely buy household "necessities" such as vacuums, mops, cleaning products, etc, because I have better things to buy, like my 900th pair of shoes. In the past few weeks, however, Lady Domesticity entered my subconscious and was like "go forth and domesticate!" And I had no choice but to answer the summons. I bought a new bath mat, new toilet bowl brush, new hand towels, a new duvet cover, and I was just getting started. Of course, I'd very recently bought all of those things, maybe two months earlier. Time well spent.
4. Improving my craft - I am an avid podcast listener, but one such podcast was getting neglected thanks to my cumbersome blog habit. "My dad wrote a porno" did not deserve this sort of neglect, but I had several hours of un-listened-to audio as of a few weeks ago. This just wouldn't do, for I needed to improve my own writing, and what better forum than listening to a few friends read and critique this ridiculous story with their charming banter? I spent several hours binge-listening to this podcast, going from a mid-second season listener to caught up to season three. I have relieved myself of several dozen unwanted brain cells in the process. Edumacation complete.
5. Supporting art - Jay-Z released a new album, and I was compelled to listen to it multiple times within a few days. My art patronage extends beyond simply listening, however, for I spent time speculating about the alleged Kanye diss in song one. I then spent time comparing it to "Lemonade," and then listened to "Lemonade" again for the 50,000th time. I wouldn't say that I'm single-handedly increasing the Carter family net worth, but I'm doing my part to ensure the remain relevant.
So there you have it. I've been busy, but I've graciously decided to return to the less noble pursuit of blogging. I didn't set out to inspire or, perhaps, elevate the whole of the human race in my pursuits, but these things happen. I don't believe you can become a living saint, but if someone was like "it's happening" I'd be like, "Cool; I accept this honor."