Good morning, good lookin! I've been thinking about my superpower a lot these days. It's not something I'd ordinarily broadcast, but I'm feeling generous this morning. I'm not sure why. It could have to do with the fact that I narrowly escaped an alien invasion circa 7:30 am, and I was ready to do my best Kate McKinnon recount to you all this morning, but it turned out to be my husband's phone alarm clock. It.was.jarring.
Anyways, since I survived the close call with our friendly neighbors from planet Christos, I'm ready to spill about the source of 99% of my luck.
Ready? No? Ah well, I'm going anyways. Deal with it.
I'm a low talker.
Now, I get that my superpower sounds overwhelmingly average, but you'd be silly to underestimate it. Silly, I say. Low talking is not just an episode of Seinfeld, y'all. It's the way I'm able to shoot off at the mouth at pedestrians who have the NERVE to walk zig-zaggedly in my path. Ditto for the slow walkers. I can utter phrases such as "c&*%face m(>+&%*&^%$£@!" and there are no repercussions for my colorful vernacular. I've fantasized about a pedestrian saying "exCUSE me?" in response to my verbal annihilation, and in fact it even became the premise for my first book. I've yet to anger a witch with my sidewalk aggression, since I'm shielded by my muted volume. I believe that's the only reason.
From time to time, I choose to share my superpower with others. For instance, I can talk about the person in front of me with the person beside me, which I don't often choose to do unless said person is a phenomenally slow walker. I can turn to the person to my side and be like, "put her on a beach, amirite? anything to keep her off the sidewalk," and the person next to me can laugh hysterically at my ingenious observation without any repercussions. Not a one.
At times, I've used my superpower to pry into people's personal lives. Want to tell me about the person you're seeing but can't seem to get him/her to exit the vicinity? Not a problem - I can low talk and extract the gossip with some simple head nods, shakes, blinks, whatever sort of visual code we can agree on.
Now, low talking isn't just something that I can use to my benefit. Sure, it stops me from getting bloody noses on a variety of occasions, but it's also useful for my dining companions who may be less than interested in my obscure references about 90s sitcoms, à la The Nanny. The ambient noise in the restaurant will be too loud to pick up on my low talking, so the person will have no choice but to say, "So sorry, I can't hear you! Maybe save the nonsensical reference for later on," knowing full well that there will be no relevant context for which I can revive the reference later.
You're welcome, dining companions.